Why some people don’t say what they thinkThere are many reasons why people fail to speak their minds. Some people become so
anxious at the mere prospect of speaking out, they hide their anxiety by not saying anything
or making some noncommittal remark.
Afer the fact—assuming you are one of those people—you may regret your silence and
mentally kick yourself for not speaking out. Rather than give yourself a mental kick, look at
what may be the source of your anxiety in these situations. The source, more often than not,
is what psychologists call self-talk.
Your self-talk can increase or decrease your fear of expressing yourself.For some, this feeling of discomfort or anxiety is so strong it keeps them from taking whatthey think of as the risk of saying what they think. The consequence of the fear of assertingyourself is that you give away power—the power of your views—to someone else.The process becomes cumulative. Every time you fail to make your opinions known, youfeel less power. And feeling this loss of power, you continue not to speak up for yourself.Furthermore, the other person in the equation takes the power you have given up andconsiders this is exactly what you want.
What exactly is self-talk?Self-talk is just what it sounds like—it’s what we tell ourselves in the course of every day
interactions with others, whether at work or in a social situation.
This unspoken speech comes quite rapidly before, during, or just after a particular
interaction. This self-talk expresses our perceptions of the particular event and how we feel
about how we react.
Research has shown that the nature of a person’s self-talk is one of the most important
factors causing anxiety in social situations.
For example, someone in a group says something you disagree with. Your self-talk might be
“I know she’s wrong about that but if I say so, I’ll only be embarrassed in front of everybody
else.” So you say nothing and your subsequent self talk might be “I should have spoken up
but at least I didn’t embarrass myself.”
How to become aware of your self-talk
One of the ways to become aware of your self-talk is to consciously pay attention to it.
Observe yourself in the course of your interactions with others and take careful note of what
you say to yourself. Some people find it helpful to write down their self-talk in the form of a
scenario. Such a scenario might go something like this:
Situation: Yesterday, at a meeting at work, I wanted to comment on the discussion.
My self-talk: “What if someone tells me what I am saying is wrong? Everybody will think I am
incompetent.”
Behavior: I did not talk.
Evaluate your self-talk
Ask yourself if your self-talk is based on reality or fear. You can also ask close friends what
they think. People are often surprised to find out how unrealistic some of their self-talk is.
Take the scenario outlined above. In evaluating the self-talk, the speaker might say, “If
someone tells me what I am saying is wrong, it could mean I might indeed be wrong, in
which case, the other person will probably tell me why. Or, the other person might be wrong,
in which case, I can explain what I know. But one thing is certain, nothing in the situation
says I am incompetent. It is simply a disagreement. An honest discussion of our differences
can only have a positive outcome.”
How can I change my self-talk?
When you realize your self-talk is not realistic, you can modify it. Begin by taking time
to consider your self-talk. Then, rather than criticize yourself, give yourself constructive
comments.
For example: “It’s perfectly natural that not everybody will agree with me all the time. In fact,
I may learn something from such disagreements. By the same token, by giving my honest
opinion, I may be giving others an opportunity to learn. In any case, I have nothing to lose.”
Persist
You now have a simple and proven strategy to use the next time you feel anxious or fearful
about expressing yourself. The techniques we have described and illustrated should help
you overcome your anxieties and eventually make it easier for you to express yourself.
